Saturday, August 3, 2013

6 Things No One Told You About Adulthood

I spent the better part of my childhood wishing I were an adult.I wanted to wear high heeled shoes, drive a car, and have a boyfriend...
What a freaking idiot. As I've "matured", alright, as I got OLDER it became more and more obvious that I needed time to stop. I was in no way prepared for the clusterfudge of monotony that is grown up life. Someone should have told me it was going to suck this much.

6. Alcohol is disgusting 

Sure, drinking has it's - upsides, but holy hell I was not prepared for the ungodly taste. I remember the day I learned to swallow pills. "Yes!" I thought, " no more holding my nose and forcing cough medicine down my throat just so I could feel better!" Then college happens. Now, I'm not going to be a liar and imply I've never enjoyed tequila induced festivities, but fighting off your gag reflex is just a part of your good time. You could be a wimp and order a drink with 'tini in its title, but everyone knows those Kool Aid cocktails are not gonna make you forget your work week. Eventually, one accepts the absolute vile taste of Absolut, it's all worth it in the end right...


5. You will be bored. Often

You wake up. You dress the kids. You race to the car. You realize you left your coffee on the kitchen counter. You sit in traffic. You pretend to work all day. You shove lunch in your mouth. You instantly regret lunch. You clock out. You sit in traffic. You make (order) dinner. You scroll through your Facebook News feed until your eyes hurt. You go to bed only to do the exact same think the following day. Wow, your life sounds interesting you should write a blog (self deprecating comments are a result of intense boredom). Once you become an adult, social settings are reserved for nightlife. Once you become a parent your "nightlife" is reserved for re-runs of reality TV. While your life sometimes feels like its moving a mile a minute, it is by no means EXCITING. Most parents would say "excitement" is a terrifying thought. "Mom what happens if you eat deodorant?" is more than enough ra-ra for one lifetime. Take a second, watch your kids. They spin in circles, they run through the streets screaming at the top of their lungs! How awesome! While I know you probably shouldn't indulge in street-screaming, you should consider the fact that your heart skips a beat for new episodes of the Real Housewives of Who's It or Whatever. Admit it, you are a total snooze fest. I bet if you had your own reality show it would be called "Sharing Memes and Eating Crasins!"

4. You WILL Loose Friends

If you are still friends with your best friends from grade school you are remarkably lucky, congratulations. If you only talk to them on Facebook, stop being a dick that does not count. 

A teacher once told me not to rely too much on friendships because their foundations are too fragile to remain strong. I was convinced "this lady needs a hug." Unfortunately, she was sort of right. As children the possibility of friendship was everywhere. A little "Hi, my name is" and BOOM. Blood brothers. You spent most of your days at school with one another and then spent your afternoons and school holidays making up your own secret language. They were your allies in the "struggle" of adolescence. Your bond was unbreakable. That was, until you moved away or Someone told Nancy who told Melanie that Rebecca told her that you said Cynthia was a bitch. Sadly, we became adults and the only thing that changed about friendship was the opportunity to make any. Most of us participate in social media; make "friends" with oodles of people, but seldom decide to (or have time to) share a face to face conversation. And what about our dear old friends? You grow apart, you start families, LIFE happens. Slowly what was once a solid friendship becomes archived monthly "hey how's life" emails. Keep pushing though, I'm not here to kill your joy. Some folks are bound to stick. Hey, at least you got me.

3. Not eating your vegetables will kill you

Dude, I know they are gross, but do yourself a favor and just freaking eat them. I know you are making your kids eat them. Such a little hypocrite you are. Listen, not eating vegetables means you are malnourished. In case you don't know - that's a bad thing. I'm not Dr. Oz and I don't know what has potassium or is fortified with magic glitter, but the shit is important. Google some recipes to make the crap taste good. Hey who knows, you might even LOVE it.Just make sure you do it, or your gonna be susceptible to all kinds of stuff you don't want. Like diseases and crap.You don't want to end up some wrinkled up prune on your death bed and think to yourself "How did this happen? I'm only 45!"

2. Driving SUCKS

I mean, that's it. It really sucks balls.

1. Your parents were right

Well, face facts. You are slowly becoming your parents. How many times did you say " Don't make me pull this car over" this week? They were once the most annoying and borderline "lamest" people you ever met, now you call them every ten minutes to find out if being a dumbass is genetic. Yep, mama said there'd be days like this and you didn't listen. You now realize the information you retained always comes in handy and the stuff that was filed under " Who Cares Mom" manages to magically resurface when the time calls for it. You needed to do well in school. You needed to look both ways before you crossed the street. You needed to wear your seat belt. Basically, their main priority was making sure you weren't responsible for your own demise. Do your folks a favor, give them a call. When they finish asking you how much money you need this time, tell them 3 things: 1.) Thank You. They were right. 2.) Your sorry you were such a little turd. and 3.) They lied. You make crazy faces during sex all the time, and it never "got stuck like that".

Ok, don't do that last part.

I apologize to my inner child for our anti-climatic arrival at adulthood. While some things were kind of a let down, I am still glad to be a mom, a wife and the antithesis of everything the kids who picked on me thought I would be. Yes you losers, my body evened out real nice. You can offer my husband a high five on the way out. Ahem, so sorry about that. All in all, bills, empty savings accounts and no summer breaks aside, I'd rather be an adult than ever not be granted access to a bar. And that my friends, is want you call perspective.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Hey kid, ya gonna eat that?

Summer means hot days, blue skies and laughing children. Hot dogs, funnel cakes, corn dogs, ice cream, pie, fried dumplings dipped in your favorite Greek yogurt while you catch up on last week's episode of Dexter. OK. So, I've been indulging a little this season. Who can blame me? Its the kids dammit! They are  tiny enablers. "Taste this mom.", " Can we try that mama?" " Wait mom that's my finger not the cupcake." They are extremely pushy when it comes to inhaling their favorite summer treats. But you aren't a child anymore, honey. Your body no longer burns fat just from giggling. Time to snap back into shape. Yes, I'm aware I am far behind what ladies magazine refer to as "Bikini Season", but hell I haven't been able to finish a magazine in 7 years - I figure I'm no longer their demographic.

Its been about 7 days into my diet plan. I've been drinking more water, Exercising (otherwise known as extreme facebook-ing) and watching my caloric intake. I'm already seeing a change! Yeah, I'm more than certain I've GAINED 5 pounds. Sigh. What does a mom do? Yes, I want to pick my kids up from school in yoga pants and make people think I actually engaged in physical activity that day. But who can deny deep fried food and SnoCones?! What kind of crazy world do we live in? When we were little people, eating a whole damn bag of sugar would have little to no effect on us. Well, if your mother was a patient, saintly woman and you did not have a family history of diabetes, of course - but you didn't get love handles!

Ah, to be a child again. To really enjoy summer. Two months off from all responsibility  spent eating yourself into oblivion and developing a serious red dye #5 mustache.

Damn you adulthood. Once again you suck all the fun out of -FUN.

That is enough complaining. Sure, I cant suck the cheese out of a danish or polish off a giant jar of spicy pickles, but I sure as sugar can develop healthier eating habits and a leaner body. You will stop feeling sorry for yourself woman! You will put on your big girl panties (pun intended)  on and eat your veggies....

your bacon wrapped veggies.