Wednesday, August 29, 2012

The Good, The Bad, and the Mommy

Disclaimer: As a parent, I pride myself in being a responsible, dignified, mature adult. I try my utmost to maintain a positive image in front of my children. With that being said, sometimes that shit doesn't work out, and you have to get out of your car on a b*@$h!...

8:40. Crap, I only had five freaking minutes to get the boys to school. "Oh well, we aren't gonna make it guys." I said as I looked into the rear view mirror.  Smiles stretched across their faces. This meant mom was going to stop for a breakfast; because being even later for school is the only remedy for tardiness. I slowed down, there was no need to rush. Apparently, my decision to drive the designated speed limit was not appreciated by the driver behind me. I looked back. It was an older woman, she did not look happy. I gathered that from the finger she decided to wave out of her car window. She started to inch closer to the back of my car. My blood was boiling, I do not enjoy a-holes trying to intimidate me, especially if my kittens are in the crossfire. I chose to ignore Little Miss Jackass. She started leaning on her horn. I checked my surroundings: 45 mph, and the lane next to mine was empty. Why doesn't this bitch just go around? " Mom, is that lady honking at you?" my oldest son asked, his voice was different. Is he scared? My blood was thick, there was bolognese coursing through my veins. After what felt like hours of honking, she finally decided to go around. " Learn to drive you stupid f-ing b*tch!" GASP. I looked at the boys, their eyes were as big as saucers. Now, I honestly don't remember what exactly I was thinking when I followed her into the grocery store parking lot, but I knew her and I were gonna have a little talk. She parked her burgundy Tercel in front of an empty spot. "Boys, put your windows up!" they scurried to obey ( for the first time ever). I could tell immediately she was startled, but she pulled herself together and began walking towards the doors. " Uh uh, come back here." I was determined to treat her like a disobedient child. She poked her chest out and responded with a half -hearted "Yea". I looked her up and down. If this got ugly, I could take her. I observed her physical appearance; just in case we were gonna begin to throw around insults.She could only be described as frumpy. She wore a corduroy, ankle length skirt (in the summertime no less) with a patchwork vest ADORNED with crotched puppies. " Ok," I began, "You're a mother I assume?" she nodded, chest puffed more than before. I rolled my eyes at her display of 'bravery'." You yelled a number of curse words on your way around my car, and I have three little boys...." she cut me off, only to spat more obscenitites in my direction. I squinted at her in disbelief. I swear to you, I have no clue what she said. I can only remember counting the amount of times I heard the "B" word. TWELVE TIMES. For some reason that was all the "B" a "B" could take. " Shut the hell up and listen to me." I was done waisting time, my stomach was growling, and Burger King only serves hot Croissanwiches for so long. " One: You need to pull your  life together. You look a damn mess. So what you have kids. Stop walking out of the house with seasonally inappropriate, ill-fitting, school marm ensembles. You are representing your family when you leave the house. B: You are obviously late for work. Leave your freaking house earlier. Apparently, you cut corners with your outfit, you should have ample time to make it to the office this morning. You said you were a mother, that is why I figured I could reason with you. You need to do something for yourself. Thats why your acting like a jerk to random people on the road. Go in this store, buy some hair dye and an outfit that doesn't look like a billboard for an animal clinic. You are a woman, act like it. This is a small town, I'm sure I will see you again. So be sure to follow my instructions or the next time we meet, I'm gonna kick your butt for scaring my kids and waisting my good advice." I walked away. I felt like Rambo. All I needed was the CSI: Miami theme music to play. " Are you gonna fight?" Kid # 2 asked while punching his palm. "No need for fighting baby. Mom wouldn't do that." he looked at me in disbelief. " Then why did you tell her next time you were gonna beat her you - know -what if she didn't dye her hair?"

The boys listened to me stammer as I attempted to explain my Red Sonja moment. I couldnt think of the age appropriate thing to say. How do I tell my kids to always maintain composure if I couldnt? How do I raise well behaved kids if I couldnt control my own behavior? Kid # 1 interrupted me, he looked annoyed with my failed attempts to B.S. them. " If someone cursed at you I would stand up to them." he patted me on the back. " Your not a bad lady, she was being mean." I nodded. I'm not perfect ( not yet at least). But, I will guard my kids from assholes.  "Do you think I'm cool?" I asked my son as I checked him into school. He turned to walk towards his class. " Dont push it." he replied.

Update: I do in fact, live in a small town. I did, in fact, see Little Miss Jackass again. She looked great. Her hair was bouncy and shiny. Her clothing was tailored and pressed. I waved at her.I was glad she heeded my advice. I waved harder and pointed at myself. She flicked me off. " I'm like Jesus" I thought to myself.

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